I've got this problem. I'm supposed to write funny things about comics for this column. No problem. It's easy to write funny stuff about bad comics. No problem. Lately, all I have read have been good comics! Problem. So I'm doing what anyone would do...I'm going to make fun of old Legion stories!

My victims this week all hail from a gem in my collection: one of those Best of DC Digests that reprinted '60s comics stories for us children of the '70s. Now if you've read any of these old Legion tales from their Adventure Comics heyday, you know that they are chock-a-block full of things that kids (even today) might think were super cool, but that we grown-up nerds can laugh about before turning back to our TPBs of Hellblazer and Whiteout.

But who has time to actually read this stuff when the new Finder and Age of Bronze are both waiting for our attention? Fear not. So that you can make some pithy references in your blog, or on the list, or on the boards, I am going story-by-story through the book to break it down for you, so to speak.

"Starfinger"

originally from Adventure Comics #335, August 1965

and

"The True Identity of Starfinger"

originally from Adventure Comics #336, September 1965

Item: The villain in this two-part story is named "Starfinger."

Why It's Funny: This guy looks like he was invented in the fertile imagination of a 10-year-old who had access to leftover plastic tubing, buckets and the like at a construction site. Think Michelin Man meets Black Manta. All but one of his hands is covered, and it is with that hand that he likes to point. A lot. Every finger on that hand shoots a different type of ray, naturally leading him to really want "finger" in his nom du guerre. I guess "Badfinger" was taken. And "Stinkfinger". And everything else.

How you might use it to seem witty: In the inevitable discussion about Legionnaire sex lives, bring up the possibility of Thom giving Nura the ol' "Starfinger."

Little known fact: Starfinger's logo (seen in the background in his lair) has a star, but no fingers. Damn those censors!

Item: There are lots of strange scientific choices in the Legion's 30th Century.

Why It's Funny: A scientist sees an old animal lick a rock and miraculously become young again, so he decides to lick the same rock himself. Next, Brainiac 5 suggests that, since Star Boy's powers come from the stars, a few trips around a giant red-hot one might revive him from unconsciousness. Then, a high altitude laboratory is actually built on enormous stilts, but didn't have a protective barrier where the legs meet the ground. I'm serious! You can't make crap up like this anymore! This stuff is gold!

How you might use it to seem witty: When you and your comics pals are debating which crappy comic-related movie to see, suggest letting the Planetary Chance-Machine all smack you senseless until you finally decide to just read a book instead.

Art in the future is weird, too: The 30th Century version of Christo & Jeanne-Claude actually carved part of the Himalayas into monstrous statues of "great men of all ages," which apparently were limited to Ben Franklin, Christopher Columbus, Abe Lincoln, da Vinci, Beethoven, and other white Europeans and Americans. Sorry, W. You didn't make the cut, but then again neither did any Asians, Blacks, or women. Or anyone you wouldn't find in a 1950s' 5th grade History textbook.

"The Weddings That Wrecked The Legion"

Originally from Adventure Comics #337, October 1965

Item: Brainiac 5 gets his panties in a twist when he catches Ultra Boy and Phantom Girl flirting instead of paying attention at a meeting. A few panels later, he even accuses Saturn Girl and Lightning Lad of (and I quote) "smooching".

Why It's Funny: Prissy smart boy has a hissy fit when two sexy boys are making time with their girls. If that isn't funny to you, go back to reading Wizard, why don'tcha?

How you might use it to seem witty: The next time your pal gets catty over his crush-du-jour's boyfriend-du-jour, just sigh and say, "Face it, Brainy... Kara just isn't the girl for you."

Great Moments in Homeworld Security: The plot of this story is about foiling a group of mysterious unknown terrorists bent on destroying freedom and liberty on Earth, with the LSH searching all over, even among their own ranks, for spies. I wonder if John Ashcroft ever used the pen name "Edmond Hamilton?"

Item: The three alien spies disguise themselves as Legion applicants to infiltrate and destroy the team.

Why It's Funny: Actually, it's not funny, until you see that an enthusiastic Brainiac 5 decides that the alien who can make things grow very very big or very very small is in like Brad & Jen's breakup pictures in the latest issue of In Touch Weekly. Perhaps more telling is that Brainy chooses his name: Size Lad.

How you might use it to seem witty: Wear a "Size Lad" t-shirt to the next con you go to. You'll be the envy of everyone at the Big Gay Dinner.

Better Living Through Chemicals: The alien infiltrators gave themselves super-powers by ingesting pills invented by a computer. The device had slots labeled "Temporary Super-Strength Pills" and "Temporary Thought Casting Power Pills", but no slot for "Temporary Long-Lasting Erection Pills". Some geniuses, eh?

"The Menace of the Sinister Super-Babies"

Originally from Adventure Comics #338, November 1965

Item: The villains in this story are the Time-Trapper and Glorith, both of whom have special gloves that protect them from the main weapon: an hourglass that makes you devolve in age back to a pre-born state when you touch it.

Why It's Funny: So... you touch the thing and get younger. A young adult. A teen. A kid. A toddler. A newborn. What's before that? Weeeeelll... ever hear the expression "just a twinkle in your father's eye?" Time Trapper's "slave-vassal" (their term, not mine!) who touches the thing ends up a little pool of white goo that has the strange sound effect of "SPLURP!" To paraphrase the old Mazola ad, "my people call it spooge."

How you might use it to seem witty: Write a funny review of some old Legion stories for a gay comics readers' website. Make some joke about semen. They'll eat it up. Get it? Ha ha ha! Get it? Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Better Living Through Chemicals, Part Deux: When exposed to the hourglass at an amusement park later in the story, the Legionnaires devolve only to toddler-hood. Glorith figures out that they don't turn to "SPLURP" since a nearby "Fountain of 1000 Chemicals" is in full flight. Seriously, in an age when we're desperate to remove chemicals wherever possible, the idea that future kids would be playing around a fountain spraying toxic carcinogens into the air for fun is just freaking hilarious!

"Hunters of the Super-Beasts"

Originally from Adventure Comics #339, December 1965

Item: In this story, the Legionnaires fight fantastic beasts, from the planet Vorn, who are all under the influence of Beast Boy, formerly of the Heroes of Lallor. To capture one of the animals, Colossal Boy, as it's described in a caption, "uses his super power of becoming huge."

Why It's Funny: If Colossal Boy were around today, his name might be Leviathan and we'd still snicker about his penis size.

How you might use it to seem witty: Buy a little pill case to carry your Viagra in, and label it "Temporary Power to Become Huge Pills". Bam! Two jokes in one fell swoop.

Not-So-Sexy Beast: As it turns out, Beast Boy goes bad because everyone on Lallor shuns him due to his freakish power to turn into any animal. (I guess the Lallorians didn't mind Gas Girl, a maid who could transform her body into a cloud of noxious fumes. Fun at parties!) What he didn't realize was that they thought wearing tighty-whities on the outside of his red tights was the real reason they hated him. Even the furverts on Lallor can't abide a fashion choice like that.

This collection of stories is a lovely snippet of a simpler time when monsters had one eye, chemicals were things you couldn't wait to swim around in, and science was set to do some really freaky shit. You can also read the origin of Lana Lang: Insect Queen, and the sad tale of Kid Psycho in these pages, which are also full of great things that'll make you popular in a very small sub-culture. It worked for me!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Colossal Boy and Size Lad for cocktails and a trip to the comics shop to stock up on bad comics. Afterward... who knows? We might finally jump into that Fountain of 1000 Chemicals and see if we get that much sought after Temporary Sword-Swallowing Power.

Kyle Minor, a native West Virginian who has lived the last eight years in San Francisco, welcomes having bad comics mailed to him for consideration. He promises to pay you back by showing you his “Starfinger” impression.

All images and characters © 1985 DC Comics, Inc. Review © 2005 Kyle Minor.

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