Girls… it’s almost summer, and you know what that means! Painful and inappropriate wax jobs, stocking up on that Aloe Vera gel/lubricant combo and cutting the sleeves off that winter flannel shirt for Sunday afternoon Beer Busts at The Eagle. But most of all, it means it’s time to get in shape for Swimsuit Season! Fret not, though. Just as we all know that comics can provide us with the answers to life’s myriad questions (i.e. Why shouldn’t I take that short-cut through Crime Alley? Does “Magneto” sound like a scary code name, or would people just mispronounce it? What exactly comes with great power and can I just substitute the dinner salad for it?), the answer to your “shape up for the beach” quandaries can be found in the pages of a book starring a gal who wears a one-piece every single day! Wonder Woman!

Take Wonder Woman #207 for example. Throughout the lead story, “The Riddle of the Chinese Mummy Case”, our Amazing Amazon shows off some simple techniques that can have you ready to don your favorite steel-eagle bustier by the time the first sunbirds start to strip it all off in P-town.

Warm-up: Stand face-forward in a UN elevator, legs shoulder-width apart. Breathe deeply. Arrange to have the elevator cable snapped by some saboteurs. Give some awkward and completely needless exposition (Keep breathing!) and exclaim “YIPES” regardless of how ridiculous this is. Plummet thousands of feet while simultaneously stripping down to your aforementioned bustier. Exhale as you uncover a hidden chamber under the UN that contains a strange scroll telling a story that happened to you. Be sure you don’t make reference to this event actually having happened to you, nor should you later explain why the whole “falling elevator” part of the story was at all necessary. Also, stretch your calves.

Cardio-blast: To get the blood really flowing, answer a distress call from an archaeologist working near the Great Wall of China. Try not to get too tense when you discover he has only called you to re-assemble the broken pieces of a 2000-year-old mummy case he has accidentally shattered. Re-assemble the mummy case in twenty seconds, being sure not to over-extend your lower back. Only open the case after it has been re-assembled to find the apparently unbroken statues of yourself and an ancient Chinese warrior-princess. Cool down for at least two minutes while you fail to wonder why you didn’t see these statues when the coffin was shattered into a ba-zillion pieces.

Upper body: Have your Amazon gal pal Paula matter-of-factly send you back in time 2000 years. When you come out of the time-dimension, be sure to have your letterer crate a nice big arrow-shaped caption pointing to you saying “Coming Out of Time-Dimension.” Without stopping to asses the situation and find out what’s going on (this is crucial for maximum burn of those stubborn under-arm flab areas), proceed to join in a massive battle, kicking the ass of countless Barbarians. Be sure the skin of the Chinese Barbarians and the female army they are battling is colored a dark yellow color, which is totally not offensive to Asians. Take a quick break to re-hydrate.

Abs: Attempt to save the Chinese warrior-princess, but get captured by the Barbarians. Let them strap you to a giant bronze shield with your own Magic Lasso. While mightily suppressing all physical signs of how horny this makes you, tighten your abs and roll that shield around on its edge, kicking more dark-yellow Barbarian ass. Again, be sure to breathe!

Glutes: Discover the few Barbarians whose asses you have yet to kick are attacking the warrior-princess’s city. Fly to the rescue with your rump in the air, clenching and releasing as you go. Destroy the barbarian’s fake dragon, save the city and finally free the captive Chinese warrior-princess.

Cool-down: Build the Great Wall of China in three hours. Then have a protein shake.

Yes gals, follow the Amazon princess’s regimen, and you’ll be ready to sport that Dolce & Gabbana tiger-print two-piece before you can oddly exclaim YIPES—though I wouldn’t in the D&G dressing room. They didn’t like it so much when I did it.

The fact that Kyle Minor lives in San Francisco does in no way mean that he has ever worn a bustier or waxed his bikini area, despite what you may have heard.

All images and characters © 1973 DC Comics, Inc. Review © 2005 Kyle Minor.

Prism Comics promotes the works of the LGBT community in comics. It does not implicitly endorse any other material or products associated with those works. Any opinions expressed are those of the author(s).