The Place: The interior of a lonely stone tower without windows or doors, somewhere in the vicinity of witch-haunted Salem, Massachusetts. Wearing a shiny, silky, white gown, a beautiful red-haired woman of an indeterminate age lounges languidly on an ornate, pillow-covered divan, gazing intently at the screen of an odd-looking television set. Her name is Inza Nelson, wife of archaeologist Kent Nelson. Her face has just begun to show a trace of puzzled suspicion in reaction to the images she is viewing, when suddenly a brightly garbed figure in blue and gold phases through the wall to her right. She is about to come face to face with the strange twist of Fate that will change her life forever.

Inza: Well! Look what the black cat dragged in! So, Kent, did everything go well?

Dr. Fate: Why, er, yes! Oh, he put up quite a fight, but old Tick-Tock and I got him in the end.

Inza: Hmmm. I already know that, thanks to the Magic Monitor. But, the news reports said that you fellows captured this new Psycho-Pirate over eight hours ago. What kept you?

Dr. Fate (As he takes off his helmet and sets it on its stand.): Oh, honey, you know what a headache all that bureaucratic red tape is! We were just, er, processing the case.

Inza: I see. Anyway, you know how I love to hear all the juicy details. So, tell me all about this self-styled Emir of Emotion.

Dr. Fate: Not much to tell, really. You were there at that party at Rex Mason’s when the Pirate stole the Medusa Masks that we discovered in Asia Minor. Psycho’s real name turned out to be Roger Hayden. Seems he was once the cellmate of the first Psycho-Pirate. That nut-job told him about the Masks and the way to activate the power within them…

Inza: …to make other people feel whatever emotion he wanted them to!

Dr. Fate: Yep! Disdain, fury, greed, pity, lust…

Inza: Lust? The reports didn’t mention that one!

Dr. Fate: Er…they didn’t? Come to think of it, I don’t recall him using it. Heh-heh! I mean, what good would that be in committing a crime? Heh!

Inza: I…suppose you’re right. So, after your crystal ball led you to him, what emotions did he use against you?

Dr. Fate (As he takes off his cape and hangs it on a hook.): Well, he was in the process of robbing a bank when I dropped in. He blasted me with Pride and Frustration. That caused me to see life-like images of some of my old lov…er…I mean…loathsome foes. Wotan made me weak at the knees. Then, Mayoor turned the floor to wet ooze. Of course, it was all just a flashback drawn from my memories. The Pirate escaped while I was trying to get myself up.

Inza: Naturally. He didn’t want to stick around. How did our Miraclo pill powered friend Hourman enter the case?

Dr. Fate: Rex was pretty mad about the Masks being stolen from his property, so went out on patrol, looking for clues. Hearing about the attempted bank heist, he arrived there just after I left. Boy, was he superb! I mean, not only is he handsome and strong, but he’s got brains to spare! He soon discovered that Hayden had left in a red Mercedes-Bently. Before you know it, Rexie had swallowed a pill and hopped all over the town, looking for his quarry!

Inza: And it wasn’t even Saturday night!

Dr. Fate (As he hangs his medallion on another hook.): What? No, this was on Thursday. Anyway, he eventually tracked down the crook at an open-air art museum. What a man! Er…that is…he’s a great role model for the youth of America.

Inza: At least, for about ten percent of them. So, what happened at the museum?

Dr. Fate: Hmmm? Well, Hourman had everything in hand, when the Pirate used his power against him. Projecting Friendliness at Rex, he convinced him that they were pals! You know what a sweetheart Rex is, so that really wasn’t hard to do. After all, he’d gladly give you the shirt off his back!

Inza: You ought to know. Then, Rex helped him get away with his booty?

Dr. Fate: Yep! I arrived shortly thereafter. Poor Hourman was fit to be tied!

Inza: To each his own. You then used your magic to trace the crooks to their hideout?

Dr. Fate: Right! We burst in ready to take them all down.

Inza: Oh? So those weren’t guns in their pockets, they were just happy to see you?

Dr. Fate: Huh? Well, actually they didn’t seem too worried. Unbeknownst to us, Hayden was hurling all kinds of irrational Fears at us. Sitophobia, aichmophobia, aerophobia, homo…er, I mean…hydrophobia. His gang then attacked us with objects suited to each Fear. But, we turned the tables on them by each going after a crook who was holding an object that we weren’t afraid of. A few good punches later, the Pirate was the only one left standing.

Inza: So, he was glad to see you too?

Dr. Fate: What? In a way, I guess. He then activated all the Masks, bombarding us with every one of the emotions.

Inza: Wait a second. I thought you said that he didn’t use…

Dr. Fate (As he takes off his shirt.): Er…did I? Well, things happened so fast that it’s hard to remember all the details. Heh-heh! Anyway, Hayden soon had us going after each other and forgetting all about him. Let me tell you, the action got pretty hot and heavy! Why, Rex told me later that he was so sore that he could hardly walk!

Inza: Like that’s never happened before! Say, what are those scratches on your back?

Dr. Fate (Turning to look at his posterior side in a large, gold-framed mirror which is hanging back of the divan.): Say! How in the world did those get there?

Magic Mirror (As a blurry, smoke-like face appears within it.): Why, Master, thou surely dost recall that storm of passion’s driving call? Those marks that streak thine back so mighty were made by one both brave and flighty! As the minutes flew in tick and tock, you were scratched in time to your pounding…

Dr. Fate: FLOCK! Er…yes! That’s it! You see, I had used my magic to conjure up a group of sorcerous birds to aid me in my battle with Sex…er…I mean…Rex! They must have scratched me in the melee!

Inza: Oh, they got you there too? Did they also peck that hickey on your throat?

Dr. Fate (Looking into the mirror.): Why, where on earth did that come from?

Magic Mirror: The welt she sees is no surprise, given that you sleep with…

Dr. Fate (As he throws his cape over the mirror.): Oh, hush up! Heh-heh! This glass-hole just hasn’t been the same since I used that alcohol based cleaner on him. Anyway, after all was said and done, poor Rex was so limp that the Pirate knocked him down with one blow.

Inza: Well, you’d already softened him up.

Dr. Fate: Exactly! Hayden then lit into me. What he didn’t know was that I had realized what was going on and had magically turned off the emotional centers of my brain. When I was taking on Hourman, I really wasn’t feeling anything, just “going through the motions”.

Inza: Brother, do I know what that’s like!

Dr. Fate: Hmmm? Why, whatever do you mean?

Inza: Well, let’s just say that, since I’ve been married to you, I’ve never been so sore that I could hardly walk!

Dr. Fate: Why, Inza! I had no idea that…

Inza: Oh, don’t worry about it. So, you took out Hayden in a fistfight while your emotions were turned off. After placing a magic mask on him to screen his face, you and Rex took the Pirate in to be booked and locked up, finishing the case. And you still claim that it took eight hours?

Dr. Fate: Well, Rex was feeling kind of vulnerable! You wouldn’t have wanted me to leave him all alone, would you? I escorted him back to his place and went in to…

Inza: …bring up his…er…spirits?

Dr. Fate: Something like that! He was sleeping like a baby when I left. I’ll never forget that look of contentment on his…Say, why are you staring at me like that? Surely you don’t think that…But, darling, I swear…Oh, all right! I can’t hide it any longer. I’ll go ahead and say it! Inza, I’m…

Inza: Now, now! No need to make a scene. Anyway, I’ve been busy myself. Wonder Woman dropped by while you were gone and, well, one thing led to another…

Dr. Fate: Really?! You mean that it’s all in the “family” now?

Inza: You could put it that way. Diana has invited me to weekend with her on Paradise Island. Any objections?

Dr. Fate: Of course not! In fact, I’d been planning to tell you that my Miraclo Man and I were going on a little “fishing” trip out west!

Inza: Go for it! As for our marriage, well, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Just call me when you get back. After all, we’re all adults. There’s no need to make a mountain out of a molehill! But, tell me one thing…

Dr. Fate: What’s that?

Inza: Why do they really call him “Hourman”?

A transplant to rich-haunted Atlanta, Georgia from bitch-haunted Bowling Green, Kentucky, Ed Natcher has never been anywhere near witch-haunted Salem, Massachusetts. He has, however, always dreamed of coming home to find a gorgeous redhead lounging languidly on his divan.

All images and characters © 1965 DC Comics, Inc. Review © 2006 Ed Natcher.

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