I recently saw just the funniest thing on the interweb... it was a video on The You-Tube the kids are all crazy about these days. The short film "Twenty Gay Stereotypes Confirmed" features boys and men of various flavors introducing some of the many stereotypes about gay men, followed by videotaped proof culled from the filmmaker Jason Bolicki's own parents' collection of home movies of himself as a boy. It's wonderful and self-deprecating... and so hilarious in that "it's funny because it's true" way that the kids are, not coincidentally, also so crazy about these days.

This got me to thinking... if we're finally coming to the place where we gay men can truly laugh at ourselves as we are, this conversely means that we might notice that we hardly corner the market on, say, being obsessed with fashion (#6), lacking strong male role models (#12), or being whiny bitches (#20). It is in this spirit that I decided to put this idea into practice by deciding just how "gay" two things are when compared, contrasted and otherwise taken out of context. That last one is my stock-in-trade, so let's do this, people.

So... quién es mas Homo? Marvel's Secret Invasion or DC Comics' Final Crisis? I'll admit to a fanboy reaction for the former and a healthy respect for the latter, but we're not here to weigh the relative merits of each. We're here to decide who wins in the World Series of Queer. Which of these summer mega-events is gayer? Well, stereotype says that if you're gay, you're probably...

...Flamboyant and Dramatic.

On any other day, DC might win this contest hands down. I mean... how many characters in their pantheon have uniforms that can be colored with any basic set of primary colored tempra paints? Blue tights and a gigantic bright red cape are flamboyant. Pointed ears that stick up above your head by 5-10 inches is dramatic. Star-spangled undies and skirts are flamboyant. Dressing head-to-toe in red with bright yellow accents is dramatic. Tiny white wings on the side of your cowl? Sensible navy blue and black matching jumpsuits? GRAY armor? What... did someone at Banana Republic dress you?

In the context of these two events, though, I'm going to give the edge to Marvel. Sure, arm-length yellow gloves covered studs the size of hockey pucks is flamboyant, and sure, capturing and treating a long-serving member of the JLA to a firey death is dramatic, but you know what beats that? Having a Good Guy blast a major character into a pile of goo. Dropping a mile-wide floating aircraft carrier on downtown Manhattan. Blowing up A FREAKING SPACE STATION and nearly everyone in it. And people... that's just in the first ISSUE of Secret Invasion. Gay advantage: Marvel.

...Catty and Judgmental.

Without doing research, I had the inclination to give this point to Marvel, too, seeing as how they had smug and judgmental wrapped up in one plunging - neckline - and - gi-normous collar package with Moondragon.

(Aside: one of my favorite bits of comics dialogue EVER was from 2000's Avengers Infinity. Tigra is commenting on Moondragon's new, less-revealing outfit. Tigra: You used to show more cleavage than Jennifer Lopez! Is gravity taking its toll? Moondragon: I was cold. Tigra: "Was?" Now I know you're expecting this but... Meee-YOW!)

Since Moonie is out of the picture, that leaves the others to pick up the slack, but I guess what with all the heroes and villains and deck swabbers on the Helicarrier turning into Skrulls around them, no one in the Marvel Universe is up for a good zinger about that... THING on Echo's face, for example. Even the Emma Frost Skrull from the spaceship crash didn't step up to the plate. Not so gay NOW are you, Mr. Bendis.

Meanwhile, over in Final Crisis, we've got Vandal Savage, who perfected the superior snub, like two thousand years ago. We've got Libra camping it up like he's some kind of Charles Manson meets Auntie Mame... and get Dr. Light's comment about the poor League of Titans on page 16 of FC #1. "Gad! They're asking for it in these outfits!" I mean, if he hadn't raped an actual woman, I could seriously wonder about a comment like that. Gayness point to DC!

...Sexually Promiscuous.

OK... so for reasons mentioned just two brief paragraphs ago, the Marvel cast of "Who-can-you-trust-ville" are up to their armpits in husbands and bank tellers and, I guess even like, Hooter's waitresses turning out to be Skrulls, so the gratuitous sex scenes are left to the flashback stories in tie-in books. Like Hank Pym's little escapade in Mighty Avengers 15. In fact, far from promiscuous, the only romantic contact I can find in SI is a kiss between the once-married couple Clint Barton and Bobbi "I may very well be a Skrull, or maybe that woman who died years ago now may have been the Skrull" Morse. Reunited, and it feels so good... but only in a very husband-and-wife way. Spider-Skrull-Woman pulls a little pheromone mojo on Tony Stark, but the only thing she attempts to blow is his mind. Her loss!

In Final Crisis on the other hand, we get a funny bit about sex in an issue that is mostly about death: as J'Onn J'Onnz is getting himself speared (and not in the good way), he sends out a psychic cry for help that manifests as flames on the recipient of the message. Black Canary is one of those recipients, in bed beside her husband, Green Arrow. Black Canary: Um, Ollie... I'm on fire. Green Arrow: I know, babe, but I'm just too tired.

Note that three pages after this little bit of sit-com laugh-track fodder, we see J'Onn's distended, lifeless body hanging from a gigantic pole through his chest. Dichotomy much?

And let's not forget the real cringe-inducing moment from FC; in issue 1, we get treated to Dr. Light's confession that he is hoping to get certain "pharmaceutical requisites" from Mirror Master, for, get this... his upcoming date with Giganta. "Arthur Light never likes to let a lady down," he quips. I think I speak for all of us when I say, "EeeeeeEEEEEWwww." Nevertheless, gay rating at DC, plus one.

...Pepper Your Dialogue with Pop Culture References.

OK, this one is one of my favorites from the "Twenty Gay Stereotypes Confirmed" film (#17). Let's first admit that if Joss Whedon was writing either of these sagas, the list of such references would be in the double digits fo' sho'. He isn't, though, and while Morrison doesn't employ this device with regularity, he does a fair enough job. Bendis, on the other hand has precious few pop culture references in SI. Even if we count "Oh My Stars and Garters!" and "Sweet Christmas!"—and I think we should, since these phrases are referencing our own nerd culture AND the pop culture of the Marvel Universe. How meta!—that leaves us 4 issues of action without a single alien movie reference? No Invasion of the Body Snatchers bit? No War of the Worlds mention? Not even V?

Morrison comes through in FC with DCU-centric pop references like Sundoller Coffee and Big Belly Burger, and series artist J.G. Jones even throws in an iPod. As if that wasn't enough, the whole 8-page opening sequence of FC #2 is self-referential stuff particular to the DCU. From Japanese meta-humans like Most Excellent Super-Bat and Atomic Lantern Boy to the Killing Joke jacket and Robin messenger bag worn by the icon-covered denizens of the Tokyo nightclub, we have enough reference to make you supercool enough to have your life depend on it! Just don't ask Sonny Sumo to dance. Trust me on that one, boys. Gay survey says: DC up by yet another point.

As of now, I declare judging over and the competition closed. Excelsior! The score: Secret Invasion - 1 and done. Final Crisis - 3 and wheeeeeeee! Sorry Marvel, but DC has once again managed to out-gay you! And here you thought the days of that were over back in the Silver Age! Watch this space for my next competition, as I give out the award for Best Use of a Sash on a Superhero Costume! Ms. Marvel may think she has it tied up (so to speak), but I'm thinking Looker might have a little something to say about that....

Was it his comics-reading upbringing in West Virginia, or his exposure to the big-city comics of San Francisco that made Kyle Minor fit all of the "Twenty Comics Geek Stereotypes?" The multiverse may never know.

Character and images copyright Marvel Comics and DC Comics. Article copyright Kyle Minor.

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