Hey, look! I’m reviewing a Hawkman book! And not just any Hawkman book, a special Hawkman book! What could go wrong? After all, it’s Hawkman! A classic character, a striking visual design, and furry pecs in a leather harness. I love this guy! And look at that A-list talent working on the book! Starlin and Milgrom are old pros. Finally, I’m going to be reviewing a book that I can’t lick down to worthless stump with my acid tongue! Hooray!
So let’s dive right in and look at the plot. (Spoiler alert!) OK, so the plot is that a dispassionate divine being tells Hawkman that his origin story is a falsehood and ... well, actually, that’s it. It’s not really a plot so much as it is a revelation. I read twenty-nine pages, and I got no plot, just a revelation that could have been handled in a panel or two. Come to think of it, not only didn’t this comic have a plot, because it invalidated the earlier Hawkman origin stories, this comic negated those earlier plots, which means there are now fewer comic book plots in the universe now than there were before this comic was published. This comic succeeds in having a negative amount of plot, an anti-plot, if you will.
And what an anti-plot it is! It sets us up for yet another convoluted reinterpretation of Hawkman’s already convoluted and reinterpreted origin(s) without actually giving us that origin. With that in mind, here is my list of the top ten things that Hawkman doesn’t need:
10. Shirts.
9. Birdman lunchbox.
8. Cock-blocking girlfriend or wife who doesn’t understand my his needs.
7. Wisecracking parrot sidekick with speech impediment named “Lithpy.”
6. I said “shirts” already, right? (Although, a sweaty tank top ...)
5. Anything promoted by Billy Mays. (Although, Billy Mays and Hawkman together …)
4. The Hawk Mobile.
3. A season on Celebrity Mole: Newark.
2. Yeah, I said “shirts,” but let’s add “pants.” He has knee pads, which are sufficient.
And the #1 thing Hawkman doesn’t need is
1. Another goddamn origin!
Egyptian pharaoh, cop from another world, different cop from another world, avatar of hawk god, all of the above. I don’t give a damn anymore! This character has been around for sixty-eight years. Surely, we’ve gone past the origin phase of the character’s development, but DC seems to be pathologically incapable of moving forward. They’re caught in an infinite crisis of neuroses, perpetually reliving the past and second guessing every old decision.
We are told that Hawkman’s old origin(s) are bogus by a godlike being who says he is “one who is yet to be named.” Three panels later, he says his name is (and has been for centuries) the Demiurge. He explains that Hawkman’s memories of his Egyptian origin are a “falsehood” and “faux-reality.” For the next seven pages, Hawkman relives the origin that we were just told is a lie. It was like being asked to watch the eighth season of Dallas after being told it will all be wiped away when Bobby steps out of the shower in the last episode. Why show us Hawkman’s origin if you are telling us it’s not his origin? Why?!? A note on page twelve telling us to turn to page nineteen would actually have been more respectful to the readership. A kick in the balls would have been more respectuful.
The Demiurge convinces Hawkman that his Egyptian origin is false by pointing out that the architecture in his past life looks like eighteenth century Egyptian architecture but Hawkman was supposed to be a pharaoh in thirteenth century Egypt! This made me conclude that one of four possible scenarios must have happened.
Scenario #1: Starlin is doing research on Egyptian architecture for an upcoming Hawkman gig. He notices that the eighteenth century Egyptian architecture appears in Hawkman’s thirteenth century origin and leaps from his desk, shouting, “Good Lord! I’ve got to do something to explain this continuity error before his gets out or Hawkman will be ruined! Clearly, the best way to explicate this gaff is to explain that the entire history of the character as been an elaborate dream sequence! I’ll be heralded as a genius!”
Scenario #2: Starlin muses over his script, “I want to be able to charge $3.50 for this comic, but what could I do to get people pay that extra coin! I know! A dynamic plot with interesting characters! No, that’s been done. Better yet, I’ll dazzle my readers with a lesson on the differences between thirteenth and eighteenth century Egyptian architecture! I’ll be heralded as a genius!”
Scenario #3: Starlin thinks to himself, “If one tab of acid is good, then eight would be super good! I’ll be heralded as a genius!”
Scenario #4: Crumpled in a corner of his office, Starlin claws at the walls and mumbles, “Kid Cosmos ... cancelled? ... How? I should have been heralded as a genius! Well, I’ll make them pay. They’ll see! They’ll shell out $3.50, expecting something special ... hell, I’ll put the word ‘special’ right on the cover, but when they get to page ten ... no, let them wait. I’ll savor the terror. Let it be page twelve ... when they get to page twelve, I’ll introduce them to a little something I call ‘comparative studies in eighteenth and thirteenth century Egyptian architecture’! The anti-plot equation will destroy them all!”
The most horrifying aspect of this whole horrifying comic was the line that the nameless god named the Demiurge says to Hawkman after his anti-plot revelation. He says, “You are one of the Aberrant Six.”
Aberrant Six? Aaaaargh! You know what that means. There’s going to be five more characters with new origins, and one of them is undoubtedly going to be miss aberration herself, Donna Troy/Wonder Girl/Troia/Moon Goddess. DC will not be able to resist taking one more bite at that rancid apple. I’ve lost count of how many origins she’s had, but let me tell you what my favorite Wonder Girl origin is, “She’s Wonder Girl.” That was essentially her original origin when she was mistakenly added to the Teen Titans as if she were a different character than Wonder Woman. She worked fine as a character without having an actual origin, and it seems to me she could again. If the origin story doesn’t have anything to do with the characters motivation, there doesn’t seem to be much point in dwelling on it. We don’t need to know how a character got his/her powers to follow the character’s adventures. Batman’s origin explains his motivation, but do we need to know how Donna Troy got her powers to explain why she fights evil? She’s had several origins, but none of them really explain why she feels she has to strike a blow for justice. Dr. Strange became a popular character before he was given an origin story. Wolverine went for decades without disclosing his origin, and it seems to have worked just fine. So the next time someone wants to write a “Who Is Donna Troy?” story, I suggest that we change the title of the story to “Who Gives a Rat’s Ass Who Donna Troy Is?” Because the acceptable answer is always “She’s Wonder Girl.”
And something similar might be said about Hawkman. If you want to make me interested in his comic, give him exciting adventures in the present; don’t screw around with his adventures in the past. If you want me to buy his comic, give him a villain who is fascinating, put him in situations that are compelling, and finally—I say this as an ornithologist, not as a homosexual—follow in the footsteps of other famous bird-themed comic characters like Donald and Howard the Duck, and draw him without pants. Although Hawkman is arguably already half-naked, history clearly shows it is wrong half.
