It's election time, boys and girls, so take out your most cynical attitudes and paint them red, white, and blue! Of course, just as you turn off MSNBC (I have a crush on Rachel Maddow, too, everyone) and turn to comics for a little respite from Campaign '08... you find yourself faced with IDW's newest release: Presidential Material! Timely, yes... and let's remind ourselves that, despite longer and longer campaigns, we do only HAVE to pay attention to who's got their finger on the nuclear button once every four years, so if election issues creep into our favorite escapist literary genre, well... I'm sure we can deal.
Right away in my local comics shop, I noticed that Presidential Material was being sold in no fewer than three forms: A single Barack Obama issue, a single John McCain issue, and a flip-book including both. In the spirit of bi-partisanship (and secretly hoping at least one of the stories would have enough to make fun of in a humorous column for a respected gay comics readers' website), I bought the flip book. I suppose IDW was hoping shops across the country would be having a sales-driven election, but I showed them, didn't I? I will admit to carefully carrying this comic with a...::ahem::... certain cover showing on the way to lunch. After all, this is San Francisco: we don't rebel by voting Republican... we rebel by banning things. Trans-fats, plastic shopping bags and meals without an amuse bouche, mostly.
Presidential Material is nothing more complicated than a biography comic, with information about both candidates culled from news accounts, other biographies and in many cases, books written by the Senators themselves. I found it quite fascinating reading! I'm not one to pick up one of those political memoirs, canned or fresh, so this is the closest I'll likely get to hearing the life stories of these two fascinating men. And the fascinating part is what assholes they were! Barack Obama was apparently one of those dickish types who stubbed his cigarette butts out on the dorm hallway carpet because he was too busy discussing Euro-centrism or Neocolonialism or some crap to go and get a f**king ashtray. Not only that, but I understand he has been seen without a flag pin... more than once! What a jagoff.
I must admit, though, that as pretentious and self absorbed as that sounds (especially the flag pin thing—what is he, a pinko Commie or something?), the star of the other half of the flip book outstrips him by a wiiiiiiide margin in the Class A Jerk Division—John McCain.
Big Mac was a hell-raising, rebellious douchebag going way back to his prep school days, and pretty much seemed to have ended up at Annapolis simply because he, as the son and grandson of Navy brass, could get in. He skated by and graduated at the literal bottom of his class with a reputation as a bad bad boy. Even after finishing Annapolis and entering Navy flight school, he remained an unrepentant jackhole. He spent most of his time outside classes in strip clubs and partying on the beach. Heck... he destroyed at least two aircraft, and I swear I am not making this up—disabled half the electrical system... of Spain! The country! And do you think he got in trouble? The Admiral's son? Of course not. DICK!
Despite the fact that his famous stubborn pride kept him alive during a grueling thirty months of torture and solitary imprisonment, he still didn't think to leave behind the prep school golden boy wanker attitude in his cell at the Hanoi Hilton. Instead he came back to a wife who, after a tragic car accident, needed as much physical therapy as he did. And after they were both as recovered as they could be... he started cheating on her! And divorced her! And a month later, married a millionaire's daughter! Who was 18 YEARS HIS JUNIOR! Total dick move, Johnny Boy. Total dick move. Family values... party of one? Family values... party of one.
If you're thinking: "What an pig. This guy sounds hot," you wouldn't be alone. I mean... let's admit it right now: a man in uniform who knows how to party is the stuff nerdy gay boy fantasies are made of, and are we not nerds? Are we not gay boys? Sure the uniform might not be Starfleet issue, or a cape-and-cowl, or a broad-sword-and-riding cloak number, but the bad attitude bully or the Captain of the football team will do, and so will a military uniform—especially Navy dress whites. I mean, who doesn't like salty seamen [sic]?
It's almost too bad we're not presented with Badass McCain as the GOP candidate... at least we'd be able to say "Gee... what an enormous jerkwad. I wonder how good he is at the dirty talk?" Instead we're left with a cranky, power hungry "maverick" with a temper shorter than his running mate's resume. In the immortal words of another star in this election's political firmament: "That's SO not hot." In fact, it's McCain's entry into politics that most points up his true Toolitude: just like his decision to go to the Naval Academy... he runs for office because he CAN!
Whereas Barack Obama seems to have ACTually gotten into politics because he was genuinely interested in doing meaningful work to help communities in need, McCain found himself surrounded by a lot of rich, powerful guys and thought "I think I'd like to be one of them!" The so-called "Phoenix 40" were a bunch of influential bankers, lawyers and captains of industry, and he was introduced into their world via his new wife's daddy. He has craved adventure his whole life, and being the POTUS is a pretty big one!
Sure, I think he's pretty sincere when he lobbies to end the torture of prisoners of war—he can't be THAT much of a hypocrite! And naturally, I'm sure his political life is in part a way to live up to the perhaps impossibly high standards of his father and grandfather—and since he wasn't exactly the model leader in the Navy, his activities in elected office are probably motivation to become that leader. I suppose you have to respect the guy for that much.
Sorry... that was a long time to read without a gay joke. Hey... what's the difference between a Hockey Mom and a GAY Hockey Mom? More lipstick! Or is it "less lipstick?" I forget. Anyway....
You can probably already tell that reading Presidential Material didn't exactly change my mind about who I'll be voting for. I did come away with a greater appreciation of what both Obama and McCain have accomplished. And I'm seeing John McCain through new eyes—and they're not beer goggles! Don't get me wrong... I really don't want him to be President, but I'm sure he wants what he thinks is best for the US. And hey—how much worse than Bush could he ACtually be? And after all... if Grant Morrision can destroy the DCU, how much harm could Sarah Palin do to the Washington DC U?
Don't worry though ... despite my obvious sexual preferences, you can bet this is the one time I won't be voting for the bigger dick!
