A graphic essay about graphic comics and how they could be more so.

Merry Happy, Queer Eye on Comics fans! If you're anything like me, the holidays (or "Sparkle Season" as it has come to be known in my former home of Pittsburgh), then your head is filled with thoughts of glistening balls, stiff and sweet canes, and all manner of delicious goo covering every surface. That's right... 'tis the Season to be preoccupied with male genitalia!

For those of us left unfulfilled by the vast array of male members available in full-on pornography, I've got a good feeling that comics are going to be the next frontier for a new wave of what the kids are calling "Dudity," a cute and rather sexy way of referring to male frontal (or rear-view, I suppose) nudity. Imagine fraternity brothers romping in the gang shower (as I do every day at precisely 12:45 pm), and you'll get what I mean. Dudity is that casual "Hey... here is my penis!" kind of nudity that so many guys seem to toss off with regularity.

Suddenly, I am only slightly regretting that phrasing.

It's your hot neighbor dropping trou in the driveway to take a leak during a picnic. It's the sailors on shore leave during Fleet Week getting a little overly excited. It's your rugby coach changing on the side of the field after a tough game. Yeah... it's definitely that.

Sorry... where was I? Oh yes! Comics. The way I see it, comics are poised to be the next venue for casual looks at the family jewels. Now I'm not talking about porn comics like Hard To Swallow, or True Adult Fantasy or the work of Patrick Fillion. I'm talking about the matter-of-fact sexuality that female characters in comics have been exhibiting since William Moulton Marston first tied up Princess Diana to a tree trunk in her bustier. Boys... it is time we get equal treatment! Where is our Tony Stark tied to a tree in a jock strap! And don't tell me to Google it, because believe me... I have!

The main reason I think this way is because of the imminent release of a major motion picture featuring a quite famous comics character who is known to strut around in various states of undress. No... I'm not talking about famous dude-ist Eric Balfour in The Spirit (although maybe I should) or even Hugh Jackman as you-know-who-Bub. No... of course I'm talking about Billy Crudup, due to flash his electric blue electric eel as Dr. Manhattan in the long-awaited Watchmen movie. In Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons' magnum opus, Dr. M is so removed from humanity on most levels that clothes seem completely unnecessary. His secondary sexual characteristics may have been unnecessary as well, but that didn't keep him from flashing them pretty good in the comic. In the end, they convinced him to wear what amounted to a little black thong that would have made him the envy of every muscle queen in South Beach.

The promise that we might get to see Crudup's CGI-stuff on screen I think bodes well for the likelihood that our future glimpses of manly junk won't be strictly limited to Alan Quartermain in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I mean... the fact that we got to see it in both the original series and again (in thankfully rejuvenated form) in The Black Dossier is nice enough, but let's get real. Come to think of it... LoEG (as opposed, of course, to LXG) is another Alan Moore project. Is he trying to tell us something? And is that something "Penises are great?" If so, bully for you, Mr. Moore.

For years we have had cartoonish depictions of twigs and berries in indie comics, but one (admittedly hilarious) Johnny Ryan strip doesn't really deliver the goods, you know?

In mainstream comics, we're limited to the occasional inappropriate malaprop or hilarious Ed McGuinness picture.

Man of Steel indeed. Those oversize suckers are always made of latex. At least Stephen Sadowski can be counted on for a studly Hawkman or Wildcast in a towel—mostly because he's one of us! Sisters are doin' it for themselves, SAD! How about you work in a shot of Namor's fishbait in the next issue of Avengers/Invaders? We will pay extra for the non-code approved version.

So chin up, fans of dicks and hairys! If I'm right, we're in for a parade of wooden soldiers... and not the Nutcracking kind! Happy holidays from all of us here at QEoC!

Native West Virginian and San Francisco resident Kyle Minor spent years training to be the perfect Sugarplum Fairy, only to find out years too late that he was concentrating on the wrong kind of Sugarplum. Turns out the Christmas-y kind do NOT require the protection of a sports cup. Who knew?

Article copyright Kyle Minor.

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