Hello fanboys, fanboyz, and fanbois... it's time once again for Uncle Kyle to explain what it all means. Since I turned 40 last year (I know, I know... I could easily pass for 39), I guess I've been feeling especially avuncular, and what I've been hearing and reading out there has me concerned. Did that bad old Grant Morrison upset you with his potentially DC Universe-shattering epic Final Crisis? Did you get your star-spangled panties in a twist over events in that story that just didn't make sense? Did all those weird characters and events out of order make your think-maker feel not good and sore? Hush now child. Hush. Uncle Kyle is here, and he's figured it aaaall out for you.

Why... even your old Uncle got a little confused at times, what with all the tie-in series which may or may not have ACtually been part of the story, and with all the production delays on the main title, why you can be damn sure that what order you were supposed to read things in and how it all fit together was never very clear.

But that mean old Mr. Morrison can't mess with your head anymore, I promise. Uncle Kyle has it all figured out, and he's going to lay it all out for you: all you really need to know—is that Final Crisis is, was, and always will be... cool! You heard me... don't get all bogged down in silly things like plot or characterization or what order things happen in. It's just COOL is all. D

Let your old Uncle break it down for you whipper-snappers. To wit:

FINAL CRISIS #1

Remember how one of the only things we knew about Final Crisis before it started was that it was going to start with Anthro (The First Boy on Earth) and end with Kamandi (The Last Boy on Earth)? Well, look! That white kid with the dreadlocks is Anthro! See... now that is cool, right? Also, Metron, the guy in the floating chair is cool. See how he only speaks in very short sentences? That is something only cool comics characters do, so if you see a word balloon with just a few words in it... you know it's cool!

Plus some other stuff happens and you see a bunch of Green Lantern stuff (they're cool) and villains (always cool) and the Monitors. Now... those Monitors you just know are cool because they say things like "bleed drains," and "multiversal orrery," and "celestial fountain of interlocking universes." If characters say things that sound complicated or use words that you've never heard before... guess what? That is cool! And speaking of multiverses... since it's in vogue now to like them again, we can safely say "A multiverse! That is cool!"

FINAL CRISIS #2

Well, right off the bat here we have Japanese stuff, and if there is one thing Uncle Kyle is 100% sure of, it's that Japanese stuff is always always cool. Look at those crazy get-ups! And the names they've got—Most Excellent Superbat! Megayakuza! Atomic Lantern Boy! Those practically scream cool.

See, aren't you loving this series so far? It's cool!

Then you get some more villain stuff and some more Green Lantern stuff, and Batman gets to call for a Black Alert! That can't be good, right? That feeling you're getting right about now is called "dramatic tension," and it's nothing to be afraid of. Besides it'll pass. Don't worry if, no matter how many ways you turn page 16, you can't figure out what that weird Green Lantern arm-shape thing is in panel 3. Just remember that things you can't figure out right away (or at all) are just plain cool and roll with it.

Oh, and Barry Allen comes back.

FINAL CRISIS #3

One word, kid... Frankenstein. That's right... the very same. There's... well, a Nazi Supergirl I guess and some Flashes and a big page with a bunch of superheroes on it! To be honest, now that I skim through, I don't really remember reading most of this....

...well, anyway... there is a big fight between Wonder Woman and some crazy chick in, like a fetish outfit, and another chick in armor gets cut in half, so that is cool. Plus they have to kill the Internet! Now that is crazy cool, right? Plus some more fetish chicks and the end and we're out.

FINAL CRISIS #4

Um... OK, so there's this big two-page spread with a bunch of dead people. Mainly Atomic Knights and Checkmate soldiers and Negative Woman and other characters you sort of remember. But wow! How could a two-page spread NOT be cool? Now, I'm not sure how or when these guys got it or who killed them, but... that doesn't matter! Just relax and read about the various "Watchtowers" the good guys are holed up in. A lot of those places are familiar, aren't they? That's cool! Plus, there is that whole big page with the “Mission Monitor Board” showing which of the heroes is off-world or M.I.A. or captured or has slipped off to the movies to avoid this whole nightmare. Er, I mean... cool!

I gotta say, though, that I really thought the Anti-Life Equation was much cooler before we actually knew what it was. We see it mostly all spelled out in this issue and somehow, it's less cool now.

Er... what am I saying? Uhh... hey! Green Arrow sacrifices himself to save Black Canary! Barry Allen kisses his wife and breaks her out of a spell! Mister Miracle gets shot! And that last panel with Darkseid's thumb down! It's all so freaking cool, isn't it?! It makes me feel much better to use exclamation points!

FINAL CRISIS #5

OK... now we're talking! Green Lantern stuff! Right off the bat! Can't say... that I really... get... everything after that, especially the stuff with, like, the OMAC parts and Renee Montoya. Not... sure where they are exactly or how they got there or who everyone is or... what... but then hey! Tiger-Men! Riding dogs! Very very cool. And another double-page spread with a bunch of heroes... and Frankenstein again! That's really great. How they're riding their... motorcycles and stuff over all that... rubble I... just can't say, but.... the fight scenes are pretty fun. Right?

I'm getting a little tense... just need to lay back, read, and let the cool wash over me. Look... it's that Monitor guy, and... some monkey hand? And a guy with a Rubik's Cube? Saying "17?" Maybe I should Google some Final Crisis annotations or something.

That last shot of the Monitor dude in his new outfit is cool, though. I guess.

FINAL CRISIS #6

Wow... is that Brainiac 5? Awesome! And the Miracle Machine! It's so cool! There is some more fighting... including some tiger-on-tiger action! Then... some other stuff happens... mostly cool. And Renee Montoya is there again still getting a tour of... somewhere. And there another something... cool I guess... about moving everyone to a different Earth. Hm. But...oh! Then Luthor kills Libra with Dr. Sivana's help and that was a cool scene.

And then the Flashes are all talking about, running I guess... and then, wait... Batman is there? Wasn't he, like, imprisoned or posessed or something? We haven't really seen him since #2 I think. And he kills Darkseid, but Darkseid kills him and Superman suddenly appears and tears the place up and.... I guess I don't really... fully... get it. But, that sure is a cool Batman ad at the back of the book, isn't it?

Isn't it?

FINAL CRISIS #7

OK! The final cool issue! Everything is going to be explained and put into perspective and we'll have all the answers! And all the coolness, of course!

Wow... boom! Right in the first three pages: Black president! Who is also Black Superman! Black WONDER WOMAN! And just let me check... yep! Liking multiverses is still cool! So wow!

Then we get some stuff about Lois Lane making a rocket or something of—a newspaper and the Bat-Signal and I don't know what else. And some... kind of fight with a robotic JLA, and then Darkseid—who I guess is still alive for some reason. Then things start jumping around a little, so... I guess there is more fighting and something again about everyone moving to another universe from "Earth Zero" or something. Sorry if I'm... a little... confused.

So superman sings a note to... finally kill Darkseid maybe? And there is a big double-page spread with a bunch of Supermen, and a vampire Monitor and the Zoo Crew, and Angels, and the Green Lanterns, and the Monitors and then... Anthro when he's... old... and maybe Batman with a beard or... some... something.

Well.

How about those covers? Wouldn't they make some cool posters? Cool!

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