I’m sure that some of the two or three of you who are reading this have said to yourselves: “Golly! I wonder how those darn Queer Eyers keep coming up with these things week after week?” Well, it’s really very simple. The fact is that anyone can write a Queer Eye on Comics piece, provided he or she follows a few simple rules! What are they, you say? Join me as I lay out the Principles of Queer Eye 101!
Rule 1: Always Hurt the One You Love.
The most essential thing needed for really effective snark is passion. How funny can you be about a character you really don’t care about? Besides, Superman must pay for not returning my undying devotion! Who does that stuck up illegal alien think he is? I’ve been mooning around after him for most of my life, but has he even bothered to send me a birthday card? Oh sure, I know! He’s too busy saving the universe! Well, one day he’ll face the withering sarcasm of the Lords of Planet Irony and be helpless before their agonizing attitude! And will I weigh in to help him? Will I?! Will I?!!!! Oh, of course I will! <Sob! Call me!>
Rule 2: Have the Time of Your Life.
This is actually a corollary of Rule 1. You see, it isn’t enough to pick a favorite character (Hi Kal!). It also helps to choose a story that was published in the time period in which you first fell in love with comics. “As the twig is bent, so grows the tree” and all that. (Of course, some of us are more bent than others, but I don’t hold that against the unfortunate heterosexual fans. As long as they don’t flaunt their lifestyle.) Now, I’m especially lucky in that my intro to comics occurred during The Silver Age, a time when the Comics Code Authority still held undoubted sway over the four color cosmos. That august body did its level best to make sure that every book issued was as insipid, bland, and out of touch with the way real people acted as possible. Of course, they didn’t always succeed; but they did squash creativity on a regular enough basis to provide the eager Queer Eye scribe with an abundance of awesomely absurd ammunition. How you youngsters who first read comics in the last ten or fifteen years manage to write these essays is beyond me. I mean, what have you got to work with? Gloom, doom, death, destruction, steroid enhanced male anatomy, breast-implanted babes, and anger, anger, anger! Grrrrrrrrrrr! Hmm. Wait a minute. That does sound like shooting ducks in a barrel. Or, at least, Liefelds in an Image. I may have to look into this…
Rule 3: Keep It Gay!
After all, the feature is titled Queer Eye on Comics. If you’re not going to assume that every character in the story you’re “reviewing” is a closet case, or at least could be had with “the right wine and the right music”, then what’s the point? You might as well be writing for Rush Limbaugh or James Dobson. (Now there’s a scary thought. Imagine going into work every morning and seeing their ugly mugs. Brrrrrrr!) Well, I suppose there are other ways of infusing your work with a “gay sensibility”, but some of us just don’t have the talent necessary for that! I’m doing my best, dammit! >
Rule 4: Not All Characters Are Created Equally Funny.
Sad to say, you can’t write every one of your literary gems about the same character. <Sorry, Man of Steel of My Dreams!> Variety is the Spice Girl of life! Luckily, there are a handful of choices that are sure fire winners. Each of these has been done more than once by the Review Crew to great effect in each case. So, if you’re ever up against the deadline and need an especially easy target, keep in mind:
A) Hawkman—“Are those beaks on your chest or are you just glad to see me?”
B) Supergirl—Hey, all gay guys like strong women, right? And, for the gals, doesn’t Kara look like the Ultimate Lipstick Lesbian? Well, actually, Sarah Palin looks like the ULL to me, but that’s another scary thought.
C) Uatu, The Watcher—Even his name is funny! “You are too?” Haw, haw! Oh, I break myself up!
D) The Legion of Super-Heroes—Here’s one I haven’t done, but boy am I looking forward to it! “Hey, Mon-El! Wanna Bob on my ‘Cob‘!” Tee hee!
E) Batman—Aw, maybe this one is just too easy! Let’s move on.
F) Superman—He’s mine I tell you! Mine!
G) Jimmy Olsen—Queer Eye Heaven! Which is why I’ve chosen The Carrot-Topped Kryptonian Catamite to use as the subject of today’s article. Watch as I assemble another of my Sunday Satires employing all the above rules on the perfect target: “Jimmy Olsen, Freak!”, from Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #59.
Our story begins as…Oops! It seems I’ve run up against a rule that I forgot to mention before.
Rule 5: All Submissions Must Be of 1,000 Words or Less
Breaking this rule can get you banished to the dreaded Bifurcation Zone, a horrible place where your work is neither fully alive nor completely finished! Instead, it lingers for a week or more in a half completed state, as the readers move on to more satisfying fare. By the time Part 2 of your opus is posted, everyone, including you, has forgotten what you wrote in the first installment, leaving your references as cold and pointless as a dead mouse on the kitchen floor of life.
But, not to worry! I’m sure that you can now “Q” It Yourself using the illustrations I’ve provided from the story! Anyway, you know what you find hilariously funny better than I do! Eep! I’ve got to go because I’m about to run out of
