Peek a boo! I see you! Haaaaaaay, guuuurlfriends! It's me! Your best gal pal Nekron! You remember me right? Lord of the Unliving? Master of the limbo-like dimension state between eternal peace and everlasting torment? We met on Fire Island back in '07! Or was that Mykonos? ANYcrap... you look greeeeat! Yes, thanks... I have been working out. Gotta keep up my tiny waistline somehow, and I just can't give up my two-for-one Cape Codders at Badlands' Happy Hour, knowhatImean? Up high, tranny!

So I just haaaaad to slip on down to this mortal plane again to give you the secret news... I'm coming back! You got it, hookers! That sexy lil' bear cub Geoff Johns has DEFinitely got plans to have me show up in his latest opus this summer, Blackest Night! I mean... Black Lanterns... deceased friends and enemies walking around again... death death and more death... that's TOtally my gig, girls! So I figured... it's summer, I'm back in a size 9 waist swimsuit, and I'm TOtally overdue for a little vaycay... I'll just pop in a little early for a little Tea Dance action before the carnage begins! Just keep it on the D.L., 'kay? We wouldn't want old Dan Di-DADDIO getting his dirty Calvin Kleins in a twist!

So dudes... it's like soooooo great to be here, and the weather you've got in your little DCU is just completely splendid. I am totally wearing my tight little "Freedom to MARY!" shirt with the kitschy Virgin of Guadalupe on it out to the clubs later... not that I'll keep it on long, knowhatImean? I know it's been, like, forEVer since I've been "Out" but you have to understand: DC Comics has had me in Limbo since my first appearance in the 1981 three-issue mini-series, Tales of the Green Lantern Corps. And I mean that literally!

Sure, "Limbo" (as some people call it) is my home dimension where I rule the un-judged souls of the dead of the whole universe... and SURE that hot mess Krona somehow ended up in my dimension back in the day... and SURE his arriving there opened up the first rift that allowed me to touch the land of the living with my dread power to control the dead as my own personal army... and SURE I re-powered Krona to help break me out so I could FINally hook up with all the hotties I'd seen in so many of my favorite classic Falcon Studios movies...

...did I REALLY deserve to get attacked by some of the very souls under my control to stop my machinations and end Krona's plan of destroying the universe for knowledge? Really? SO totally unfair, it's redonk.

Okay... okay... so after that I did tangle it up once with that beefy Captain Atom, but honestly? I just wanted to get into his silvery pants! KnowhatI'msayin? He could totally be had—those military types throw their legs in the air the minute they get the chance. But alas! That wasn't to be, so I tried later to get with that sweet little twink Kyle Rayner. What a nachtmahr THAT turned out to be! You'd think he'd be HAPpy I resurrected the dead GL Corps for him, but that whiny little bitch just had to give me the cold shoulder. So much for catching more flies with honey!

But I took my own notes on those bitch-ass GLs during that whole original clusterfuck, and I'm telling you... I've got their numbers, now! First of all that annoying little chick Arisia of Graxos IV. Apparently, fighting me and my girl Krona was her first outing as a Green Lantern... and didn't we all get SO SO SICK of hearing her say "Wow. Oh...wow" just All. The. Freaking. Time. Hire a new writer, Arisia! This Len Wein dude isn't doing you any favors.

And she was soooooooooo hitting on Hal Jordan (like who hasn't alright?), and he was all "Um, that's cool," and calling her "Little Sister." She was so so clueless. And then acting all jealous of Katma Tui, who, let's face it, was like twice the woman Arisia was. There was a gal who knew how to rock the magenta-skinned look. I can't wait to use Katma Tui's re-animated corpse to give Arisia a good fingering... as in two fingers through her eye sockets!

And that Tomar-Re! Oy, what a prissy little drama queen she is! Prancing around in his fancy Guardian's Honor Guard cape... and then breaking down like a bitch when I resurrected his dead father's spirit to torment him. I mean... you don't see Sinestro weeping like a 13-year-old girl watching "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" do you? I guess that's why I always liked that guy. ANYcrap, Tomar-Re is toast now, so maybe I'll have him just standing in the middle of the battlefield crying. I can do that, you know. I control the dead and stuff.

I almost forgot about those faggot Guardians. Now I know what you're thinking... I can make faggot jokes! I mean, if Jerry Seinfeld can make Jewish jokes, then I can make a freaking faggot joke, hokay? So the faggy Guardians... what is UP with those horrifying little red dresses? I mean... a thousand millennia of fashion evolution has led them to these shapeless little overcoat numbers with Dracula collars? When I first peered beyond the veil of death into the vibrant land of the living, beLIEVE me, the first thing I thought when I saw them was "makeover!" At least they've got some chicks with them nowadays, but SOMEbody needs to clue them in that blue skin and red cloth do NOTHING for one another, even if they need to have their jugulars ripped out to learn the lesson. I'm just saying... it's tough love is what it is. Tough love: Nekron-style!

I do have to say, though... there was one GL who totally tripped me OUT when Krona and I ripped up the universe that time... there she was, a big brown blob with a crab shell on her back cradling a dying Stel of Grenda in her arms (nice work, Krona!). And her name was... M'Dahna! Just say that aloud to yourself now, girls... I know! Insanious, huh? I never knew Madge's rep would extend out beyond Sector 2814, but hey... I bet her agent did! Wonder why GL M'Dahna wasn't wearing any fishnets or jelly bracelets, though. Or a cone bra at the very least. She does look motherly holding that dead robot, though. See girls... underneath this stupifyingly fearsome skeletal exterior lies the cold, dead heart of a true softy!

All the same, those green bitches better watch their step this time... 'cause I'm back like a cold sore, ladies! And THIS time I'm not going to let all the souls of the dead Green Lanterns in limbo fight back and defeat me like they did the first time! No way... I'm going to get them all fitted with Black Lantern rings and have them squeeze some hearts all OVER the Book of Oa. It's crappy summer reading anyway.

But in the meantime, I'm totally headed to Dolores Park to catch some rays (and maybe some Rays!) on Castro Beee-eeach! So, I'm in P-Town for Labor Day Weekend (natch!), but I'm totally headed back to SF for Folsom Street. See you at The Eagle? Awesome! I think I'll even have some time to kill me some super-types in Blackest Night! This is gonna be a freaking RAGER, girls! You mark my words! Enjoy the rest of Summer, kids! Hope you survive until National Coming Out Day!

Nekron, Lord of the Unliving, is spending time in San Francisco with his ex, Kyle Minor, whom he dated when they were both in college in West Virginia. Although calling it "dating" would be stretching it a little, knowhatImean?

Article copyright Kyle Minor. Characters and images copyright DC Comics.

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