Some Assembly Required
The Avengers #1
“The Coming of the Avengers!”
Script: Stan Lee
Pencils: Jack Kirby
Inks: Dick Ayers
Marvel Comics, 1963
by Ed Natcher
FROM THE DIARY OF JANET VAN DYNE
September 16, 1963
Whew! What a day! I’m now a member of the world’s most exclusive team! Really, though, I’m happiest for dear Hank. He’s been so lonely, not having anyone of his “persuasion” to socialize with. Now, he has two new “pals” to talk to. Maybe once he gets some experience and sees what that “lifestyle” is like, he’ll decide that it’s not what he really wants. I know that my love can change him, if he’ll only give me the chance! Anyway, as to our latest adventure, our brand spanking new group tracked down that icky Hulk, only to find out that prissy old Loki was the real menace! Oh, I forgot to mention, we’re called The Avengers! And, I picked our name! Now, I need to work on some new outfits for Iron Man and Thor. You’d think that, being “that way”, they’d have a better fashion sense! I mean, really! Monochrome armor? A helmet with wings?! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry! Iron Man needs some red, so he’ll match the rest of us. As for Thor, with all that lovely hair, why does he need a hat? Although he could use a little something. Maybe a perm?
FROM THE JOURNAL OF DR. HENRY PYM
At long last, I have made the acquaintance of other homosexuals. I realize that I could have done so earlier, but I had no desire to find more of my kind in the dark and desperate world of seedy bars and back alley “pick ups”. My new friends are far removed from that sad milieu. Thor has an admirable control of his emotions that I truly admire. And what a marvelous helmet! I wish mine had that kind of flair. Of course, he is much too overdeveloped muscularly. I find that to be very unattractive. As for Iron Man… Well, I think I have found THE ONE! He is everything that I’ve always wanted in a man. Intelligent, daring and forceful, he knows what he wants and will not stop until he gets it. And, that hard, gleaming metal exterior! It really “turns me on”, as the younger generation would say. How often have I sworn that I would someday find my knight in shining armor, even if I have to build him myself? Now, that will not be necessary. As for the case at hand, we defeated the evil Loki, who had tried to use that disgusting, bestial lump the Hulk in a plan to destroy Thor. I suppose the green monster means well, but I think that we would be well rid of him. I cannot abide someone who will not hold his anger in check. One must keep one’s negative feelings bottled up, locked deep in a secret place. That is the only path to sane behavior.
FROM THE DIARY OF ANTHONY STARK
September 16, 1963
Formed a new group today, the Avengers, which naturally I will lead. My teammates are the surprisingly effectual Ant-Man and the Wasp, that inhuman, mindless horror the Hulk, and Thor. Thor! I must have him! Those eyes! Those arms! That helmet! After we finally lost the grisly green giant and that well meaning pipsqueak and his fag hag, I persuaded goldilocks to head down to the Village with me for a few libations. Man, can he hold his mead! I thought things were really going well, but when I suggested that we go to my place so he could holster his hammer, he begged off, saying he had to report in to his father. At least he’s not a mama’s boy. Well, I’m not giving up! Just the thought of having all that big blonde beauty in bed drives me wild! But, what if I’m not his type? What if he thinks I’m too pushy? What’ll I do then? I need a drink.
FROM THE ROYAL CHRONICLE OF THOR, SON OF ODIN, MASTER OF MJOLNIR, SLAYER OF THE JOTNAR, PROTECTOR OF MANKIND AND WEARER OF THE SACRED HEADGEAR OF KIRBY, ARMS MAKER OF THE AESIR
Sixteenth day of the ninth month in the year one thousand nine hundred and sixty-three, as reckoned in the Midgard land known as the United States of America.
Forsooth! Canst Thor the Mighty be again enchanted by the spell of love? Methinks ‘tis so. And to have his giant heart held captive by one so tiny? Aye, strange are the ways of passion. And yet, what other outcome could transpire once the Bringer of Storm Clouds cast his eyes upon the valiant warrior known as Ant-Man . Verily, good things do cometh in small packages. I, Thor, Long Haired Rider of the Wind, do swear by Odin’s Beard to couple lustily with the Undaunted Ant Rider whose bravery and valor maketh the Thunder God’s lightning bolt springeth forth. Hast he not aided the Heir of Asgard in the capture of my bitch of a brother, the Maker of Mischief? E’en the savage power of the revolting, malformed, trollish Hulk did not make him quail. And, what wonders will be revealed when my little love doth grow to his full stature? Aye, any deity wouldst kneel in awe before such beauty. Thor wilt stand close by him until my quest is complete, though it mean I must endure the witless nattering of that vain and heedless fellow Avenger called Iron Man. By Loki’s Sex Change, there shalt be Ants in my pants!
FOUND SMASHED INTO A CLIFF FACE IN THE U. S. DESERT SOUTHWEST:
HULK ♥ AVENGERS!
Although he has never worn a helmet, Ed Natcher does know what it’s like to go looking for love in all the wrong places.
Article copyright Ed Natcher. Images and characters copyright Marvel Comics.
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