Editor's Note: In an effort to class-up our low-brow act, we've brought in a sophisticated effort in the style of the "Harper's Index".

This comic book just plain sucks. But hey—anyone can say that, right? To challenge myself... well, as they say, let's do the numbers.

MINOR'S INDEX* of Heroes Reborn: Avengers #1

• Year in which Marvel Comics decided to give control of their top four flagship titles to hot-selling creators from the flailing Image Comics, naming the project "Heroes Reborn": 1996
• Number of issues that Heroes Reborn: Avengers (aka Avengers, Volume 2) lasted: 13
• Number of issues after which hot young artist and plotter Rob Liefeld was ousted from the project: 6
• Approximate number of characters depicted in this issue: 24
• Number of those characters with cheekbones you could easily sharpen cutlery on: 16
• Number of those with the sharp cheekbones who are men: 15
• Number of panels Loki, Asgardian god of lies and trickery, is depicted as an orange mist in various states of solidity: 21
• Number of those panels in which Loki is depicted as an orange mist with two solid horns at the mist's leading edge: 1
• Number of times in which Loki's horns seem to change size entirely: 14
• Number of panels in which Loki himself seems to have been shrunk to a tiny size (especially his head) and is sitting on a ledge overlooking the scene: 1
• Number of visible swords the Swordsman is carrying on page 9: 7
• Number he has on page 21: 6
• Number he has on page 23: 3
• Number he has on page 24: 2
• Number he has on page 25: 4
• Number he has on page 30: 5
• Number he has on page 31: still 5
• Number he has on page 32: 1
• Number he has on page 37: 6, then 4
• Number he has on page 40: 5
• Average number of swords he has in any given panel: 4.1
• Number of swords Hawkeye the Marksman is carrying on his back page 22: 0
• Number he has on page 23: 2
• Number he has on page 24: 1
• Number he has on page 25: 0, then 1
• Number he has on page 29: 0
• Number he has on page 30: 2
• Number he has on page 31: 4
• Number he has on page 37: 1
• Number he has on page 39: 1
• Number of swords he uses in the story: 0
• Number of arrows he shoots in the story: 1
• Number of panels in which Thor carries a sword, or at least the sheath for one, at his belt: 1
• Total number of swords in this issue pointed out to Rob Liefeld by his therapist, who we hope was a Freudian: 54
• Average number of folds drawn per cape or cloak on characters who wear them: 7.32
• Actual number of characters who wear a cape or cloak: 4
• Page on which Loki mistakes Cap's tooth-clenching, lipless, constipated grimace for "musing:" 11
• Number of times the bluish-gray substance Thor is suspended in is described as "amber," despite its color: 5
• Page on which Nick Fury uses the term "pansy waste" instead of the correct "pantywaist:" 15
• Number of dictionary sources where the word mine was found to be "adj. MY—used before a word beginning with a vowel or h.... archaic except in an elevated style" or some variation: 4
• Total number of uses of the word mine in this issue, as spoken by Asgardian characters, Loki, Thor and the Enchantress: 24
• Number of times mine is used incorrectly, according to the definition: 19
• Number of times my is used by an Asgardian instead of mine: 2
• Number of times this occurs in the same word balloon as an incorrect use of mine: 1
• Number of synthezoids in this issue wearing a thong: 1
• Number of sorceresses wearing one: 1
• Number of sorceresses wearing a kicky cheerleading skirt: 1
• Total number of sorceresses appearing in this issue: 3
• Approximate height, in inches on the printed page, of the 2 page spread of Thor, pages 27-28: 14
• Percentage of this height made up of his legs: 60
• Approximate height, in inches on the printed page, of the Enchantress on the penultimate page of the story: 8
• Percentage of this height made up of her legs: 67
• Newsstand price, in US dollars, for this issue in 1996: $2.95
• Overstreet price for this issue today, in mint or near-mint condition: $5.00
• Price this issue was found going for on eBay: $4.95 + $2.50 shipping
• Number of copies available from the seller: 2
• Number of bids placed at time of this writing: 0
• Price paid for this comic at a local comics garage sale: $.10
• Finally putting my elementary school math skills to good use: Priceless.

*with apologies to venerable Harper's Magazine

Kyle Minor, who lives in San Francisco, consumed 3 large coffees, one Thai iced tea, 4 glasses of water, one banana, two slices of pepperoni pizza, and a salami & cheddar sandwich with a side of mixed greens while writing this review, not necessarily in that order.

Images and characters © 1996 Marvel Comics; Review © 2004 Kyle Minor

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